Riffing On The Times: January 6, 2006

Haven't done one of these in a while, but if you're not hip, the following headlines are taken directly from The New York Times online edition, but the subheads are entirely made up. Just for a bit of fun.


TOP STORIES

Iraq Facing Hurdles, U.S. General Warns

- New low-cost war tactic puts Iraqis on path of obstruction.

U.S. Is Hoping Israelis Keep Sharon's Plan a Top Priority

- U.S. recommends "more breathing and less bleeding".

Lobbyist's Downfall Leads to Charities' Windfall

- Several congressmen offer definitive proof their corruption is good for the poor.


INTERNATIONAL

Sharon in Coma; New Party Faces a Crucial Test

Party goers wonder now who's driving past the fence to get more beer?

Afghan Suicide Bomber Strikes in Town During U.S. Envoy's Visit

Nobody thought tall, hairy dog was a real threat.

Iran's Nuclear Team Fails to Keep a Date With the U.N.

Secretary General threatens to date Nortth Koreans instead.

NATIONAL

Coal Miners' Notes of Goodbye, and Questions on a Blast's Cause

Despite miner's last requests and record profits last quarter, Energy companies say miner-family discounts just not doable.

Corruption Scandal Loosening Mayor Daley's Grip on Chicago

Dirty money makes city slicker.