Riffing On The Times 4-11-06

As always, the Headlines are taken directly from NYT online, but the subheads are entirely made-up.

Top Stories:

Immigrants Rally In Scores of Cities for Legal Status

- Make real Americans look lazy and apathetic by comparison.

In France, an Economic Bullet Goes Unbitten

- French youth refuse to eat lead in lieu of cake.

In Attics and Rubble, More Bodies and Questions

- Like, "Who fled the city without cleaning up their mess first?"

World:

Chirac Will Rescind Labor Law That Caused Wide French Riots

- Said he was only kidding about joining the much ballyhooed "Global Economy".

Chinese Turn to Civic Power as a New Tool

- But Japanese sub-compact still no match for Red Army tanks.

Italian National Election Remains Too Close to Call

- Will Silvio Berlusconi win, or will he have to kill his rival?

U.S.:

Moussaoui Jury Hears From Grieving Families, and From Victims Themselves

- Judge rules expletives and death threats valid testimony.

Wrongful Conviction Prompts Detroit Police to Videotape Certain Interrogations

- Will air on "Punk'd" if they get it wrong. "Yo, yo, yo. Just kiddin' dog!"

In End Run Around Legal Challenge, California Gives Out Stem Cell Research Grants

- When you order the double-mocha latte' with a vanilla biscotti before 9 a.m.

Business

Skilling, on the Stand, Implies Fraud Was Unnecessary

- When good old fashioned theft worked out just dandy.

The Long-Distance Journey of a Fast-Food Order

- Happy Meal shot into space to rendezvous with shuttle.

Wal-Mart Promises to Limit Its Banking

- Will stuff billions of dollars into mattress - just in case things go sour in the American economy.