Know Your Local God Squad

Jupiter informed me that he's about to start an eight-week training course at the local police department with three of his fellow gun-toting god brothers from church, including the assistant pastor. For eight weeks they will be familiarized with local criminal activity and police procedures. This includes going on patrol with an officer, he says, trying hard not to gloat and failing miserably.

Suddenly, I have a vision of cross-encrusted jackboots wrestling a non-believers to the ground. Small, chromed fish symbols glittering in the night as a pack of Harleys leave the scene.

Jupiter already has an inflated sense of self-importance. I can't imagine how insufferable he'll be if endowed with an official certificate suitable for framing.

"So,how did this all come about?" I asked innocuously, so as not to arouse any suspicion of disapproval.

Turns out one of his god brothers is a police officer and he signed up their entire Big Boy club, sort of a Christian support group for manly men who meet for breakfast once a week and work out their issues.

"Man, I'll tell you what, it's good to know somebody on the inside, know what I mean?"

Weeks earlier, this same miracle-working godbrother turned a moving violation into a mere $100 ticket. Jupiter rear-ended some woman while momentarily distracted, pretty much destroying her car. His truck only sustained a pushed-in fender. Nobody was hurt, thank God, but for those out of the loop, this kind of accident could have cost hundreds of dollars in fines, several points on a license and mandatory driver safety school the violator would no doubt have to pay for.

"He swears he had nothing to do with it, but I know better," Jupiter says. "It's good to have someone on the inside..." His expression lingers until he's sure I've received the point.

His explanations always carry an air of exclusivity, a self-aggrandizing heap doled out on a daily basis; always right, always one better, never to be outdone, an Alpha Male In Good Standing With Jesus, Our Lord, Amen. If he were five, instead of forty-five, he'd be prancing around the school yard singing, "Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah! I get to be the poleese-man and you-hoo-ooh do-on't!"

I admit to being a little jealous. Why does HE get be the policeman? And why are my tax dollars paying for it?

After a little digging, I got my answer. As part of our county's emergency preparedness program, citizen security forces are being trained in the event of some unsuspected cataclysm that, as history has proven, might overwhelm the funding, capacity and/or competency of our government agencies. Citizens will be 'better prepared to survive and recover from hazards including extreme weather, major power outages, fires, transportation or hazardous materials incidents, and weapons of mass destruction such as a chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear or explosive-incendiary incidents.' Or, say, the second-coming and the apocalypse.

In addition to preparing for emergencies, selected citizens will also be trained to help prevent a terrorist or criminal act by watching for suspicious activities and reporting them to authorities . Don't look now friend, but your assistant pastor has been drafted as an official snitch. Hope your tithings are in order Goody Proctor.

So, in the event of a cataclysmic emergency, Jupiter and his gun-toting godbrothers will be securing our homeland from terrorists and other godless non-believers. I think we've got the beginnings of a goon squad here.

It's not that I think they're not qualified to help the authorities protect their citizens in times of crisis, but I question their motivations and their commitment to secure the freedom of all Americans. Their loyalties lie with their community; their church according to their interpretation of the bible - and protecting them exclusively. They spend the majority of their week reading Christian books, listening to Christian Radio programs, Christina CD's, Christian DVDs and Christian brodcasts, not to mention encouraging "fellowship" among their followers. It's a closed loop of information without any outside input. When you're convinced you're right, you don't see the point of inviting outside opinions. When you add political and economic power to that you get fascism becauuse there are no dissenters around to say, "Hey, now, that's just f*in crazy." The members of the "in" club are worried about how they'll be perceived by "members" in this parallel world they've created and don't want to bring the weight of it down upon their heads so they remain silent, until it's too late.

So it worryies me that my local police are training these people up to protect me and mine. I understand the need to get community groups and churches involved in the procedures, because that's where people are and it makes them easier to reach. Fine. But I'm wary of involving organized religion in such sensitive security infrastructure as homeland security operations, and I kind of resent using tax dollars to train them to "save" me.

"I'm living for the hereafter," Jupiter told me the other day. "I'm not living for the here and now." Chilling words from a potential rescuer. Sounds like something an Iraqi martyr might say.