Saturday, February 26, 2005

Riffing On The Times: Saturday, February 26 2005

Again, the headlines below (underlined) were taken directly from The New York Times online, but the subtitles are entirely made up. Just a bit of satire. Enjoy.


Suicide Bombing Kills at Least 4 at Tel Aviv Club - And just when it seemed things were going so well between the Jews and the Arabs.

Pope Described as Recovering After Surgery - Also described as "Old", "Infirm", "Near Death" and most controversially, "Merely Human."

Women's Voice Rise as Rwanda Reinvents Itself - After bloody recent history, country wants to be known as "Soprano-Ville".

5 G.I.'s Killed and 9 Injured Across Iraq in 24 Hours - 1500 casualties and counting, Bush claims "Mission Accomplished" and sets sights on Iran.

5 G.I.'s Killed and 9 Injured Across Iraq in 24 Hours - President quips, "That wouldn't sound so bad if you knew how many Iraqis we've killed in the last 24 hours. But that's classified."

9 U.N. Peacekeepers in Congo Killed by Militia Fighters - Kofi Anan declares home continent "Danger Zone" and proposes new resolution to, "make it nicer".

9 U.N. Peacekeepers in Congo Killed by Militia Fighters - "Help Wanted" sign again graces U.N. Storefront. Talk of "out-sourcing" begins.

Rice Calls Off Mideast Visit After Arrest of Egyptian - Secretary of State says Egyptian man wasn't criminal, but hired by State Department to paint her toenails while she played piano, fan her with ostrich feathers while she lounged, and portray Marc Antony or Julius Ceasar when she was feeling "powerful".

Amid Uproar, Harvard Head Ponders Style - President of formerly respected university declares an end to confrontational leadership style to adopt, "...more of a Jim Backus/Thurston Howell III kind of thing." Claims sailor suit just the beginning of operation "Retro-President".

At a Small Shop in Colorado, Wal-Mart Beats a Union Once More - Seems "living wage" and need for "a decent living" no match for American's lust for "deep discounts".

At a Small Shop in Colorado, Wal-Mart Beats a Union Once More - Despite Walton Family $100 BILLION fortune, they're still not satisfied. "What we're really into is pounding the little guy deep into poverty. Now that's satisfying. You just can't put a price on that."

Move to Halt Delegations Is Challenging Episcopalians - Confusion over homosexuality leads to "Pissed-Co-Palian", "Bi-copalian", "Trans-copalian", and "Lez-copalian" splinter groups.

Read more Riffing On The Times: Feb 20th, 2005

Friday, February 25, 2005

My Life As The News: Father Rejects "Mall Mania"

A local father rejected his daughter's plea last night to be included in an upcoming Girl Scout field trip.

Known to local scouts as "Mall Mania" and billed by the Girl Scouts as "Mall-ticultural Mania", the field trip consists of "locking-down" a local mall from 10 pm to 4 am for local Girl Scout troops who will be encouraged to "shop till they drop" at selected stores that will remain open exclusively for them. Other activities, such as "rock-climbing" and swapping hand-made crafts with other scouts will also take place.

"Since when did the Girl Scouts encourage conspicuous consumption?" Eric Phillips complained. "And what does the mall and shopping have to do with multiculturalism? Unless they're going to spend the night looking at clothing and toy labels and discussing the wage slavery and child-labor in the third-world and how it's perpetuated to fulfill our every whim, I just don't get it."

That's just the problem, his daughter says. He doesn't get it.

"I just want to fit in," complained 10yr old Emily, in tears. "The other girls keep talking about it and I feel left out. And when they get back they're going to talk about how great it was and how I should have went. It's not fair!" She said she'll probably spend her weekend in her room, alone, with nobody to play with.

Two other local parents also rejected their daughter's involvement in the trip. One cited the early pick-up time (4:30 a.m.) as "terribly inconvenient" and the another girl's biological father has legal visitation that weekend.

Emily's father says he doens't mind picking his daughter up in the early morning, and "totally understands" the trip is primarily about bonding with other girls and just having some fun. But he has other concerns besides an inappropriate theme, he said.

"I really wasn't satisfied with how the whole thing was explained to me," said Mr. Phillips. Among his unanswered questions were the ratio was of parent-chaperones to girl scouts, the total number of girl scouts participating and what, if any, extra security precautions were taken to ensure his daughter's safety. "If your gonig to lock my kid up in a mall in the middle of the night in a strange city, I want to know exactly who will be responsible for her safety at all times."

In the meantime, Emily will be selling Girl Scout cookies with her father at a local produce market on the very day the field trip will take place. She's still upset about not being allowed to participate in "Mall Mania", but says she understand her father's ruling.

"I know he has his reasons," Emily said. "And I know that he loves me and wants to protect me."

"I don't want to be an ogre," Mr. Phillips said. "But if I didn't question her activities and associations I wouldn't be doing my job as a parent."

Still, feeling a bit guilty for his refusal, he promised to make it up to her.
-30-

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Riffing On The Times: Sunday, Feb 20, 2005

Thought this might be a fun writing exercise for a lazy Sunday morning. The first phrase or sentence in each example below (in quotes) is taken directly from The New York Times "Top Stories" and "International News" headlines. The subtitles, however, are entirely made-up.

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"Audit Faults U.S. for It's Spending on Port Defense" - Despite it's origin, Portuguese wine says it can defend itself in War On Terror.

"Bush Seeks to Begin a Thaw in a Europe Still Cool to Him" - Proposes increase in industrial CFC emissions resulting in Green House Effect that will eventually melt their resolve.

"For Pain Management, Doctors Prescribe Caution" - ...which now comes in an easy-to-swallow capsule for only $12 a dose. Ask your physician if Caution is right for you.

"On Bus, Bicycle and Foot, Suicide Bombers Aim at a Shiite Holy Day" - but complain about the lack of automobiles available to them in Iraq. Insurgent leaders call for increase in private funding to aid martyr's plight.

"On Bus, Bicycle and Foot, Suicide Bombers Aim at a Shiite Holy Day" - but miss repeatedly. Tuesday and Wednesday suffer only minor injuries.

"Israel Gears Up for Burst of Far-Right Anger at Pullout" - Far-Right says Israel should think about baseball to prevent such bursts.

"15,000 Rally in Togo to End Family's Rule" - Crowd of unemployed U.S. engineers and factory workers protest nepotism at local sandwich franchise.

"In secretly taped conversations, glimpses of Future President" - being paddled by Donald Rumsfeld in a Defense Department hazing ritual deep beneath The Pentagon. Future President will henceforth be sent to Yale where he will learn "boozin' and bitchin'" from the Young Republicans.


"Focus on Indiana's Governor, A Tax Cutter Who Has Become a Tax Raiser" - Former Eli-Lilly executive couldn't bring himself to lower costs for ailing state.

"FDA Moves Toward More Openess With Public" - Admits that all Americans will eventually die, despite their best efforts to kill them first.

"FDA Moves Toward More Openess With Public" - Admits bribery and scandal not effective treatment for most health problems.

Please feel free to include your own examples by posting in the "comments" section.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

The Oz Principle and The War on Terror

Recently, my employer required me to read "The Oz Principle", a book about personal accountability in life and on the job which used, of all things, The Wizard of Oz as its metaphor. The characters in that story , after all their travels and tribulations, end up discovering that they had the power to rise above their circumstances all along, if they were just willing to see their part in perpetuating their plight.

At first I was taken aback by the language of the introduction which railed against the "victim mentality" that the authors boldy presumed to have become nothing less than a "crisis in America". They cited, among other popular conservative targets, litigious victims who've turned our court system into their personal entitlement dispenser. The book's language sounded like it was going to be yet another corporate cheerleading sessioin to increase worker productivity through pop psychology. I nearly dismissed it as just more conservative clap-trap in an era rife with it.

But soon, the authors cited examples of corporate and government victimhood and malfeasance, such as the savings and loan scandal, the Iran Contra affair and other examples where when caught in the act, the players began pointing fingers at everyone and everything except themselves. They weren't willing to own any of the responsibility of the outcome. Big surprise. "The Oz Principle" was written in the early nineties, but I bet the authors would have had a field day with the Enron, Tyco and Worldcom scandals and our government agencies reastions to 9/11. Hell, even Martha Stewart would get a lashing for her flippance in refusing, despite her conviction, to be in the least bit accountable for her predicament.

But liberal victims, like myself on occassion, aren't let off the hook either, which is as it should be. Seeing my own thoughts and actions in that light helps me own some accountability for my particular circumstances, as least those parts that I can control, and it makes me a better person I think.

Anyway, the book made me realize that, in part being a victim is a choice. Sure, bad things will happen to you that you have no control over, but you can choose to whine about it, or you can ask yourself, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances to get the results I desire?" I know, it sounds like one of those annoying affirmations that are pinned up in somebody's cubicle to motivate them when they just want to crawl under their desk, curl up into a fetal ball, and refuse to acknowledge that, yes, this is their life. But I was really attracted to the book's core message which is to acquire Above The Line™ thinking. To See It™, Own It™, Solve It™, and Do It™. So forget what I think or who's at fault, rather, what can I do to get the results I want? As obvious as it sounds, it rarely occurs to me when things are looking bleak in my personal life or the world around me.

So I have a new paradigm, a filter through which I can get a fresh look at the world. And when I point that lens at my President, I feel somewhat vindicated for my criticisms. This is an administration that refuses to be accountable for any of its failures. I'll give them credit for their victories, like the recent electioni in Iraq. After all, they earned them the hard way, by taking high-risk actions for possibly huge political rewards. But I'd think much more of them, and be less apt to protest or rebel, if they would own their failures - at least partially. But all I've seen from this administration is the staunch refusal to accept ANY blame for ANY part of this entire "War On Terror" debacle. According to "The Oz Principle", that's Below The Line thinking.

I understand that the administration can't control the actions of radical Islamists or their horribly misguided religious ideals, but refusing to own any responsibility for our country's predicament in the world, or our position as a political and collateral target, is "below the line" thinking that can only lead to more finger-pointing and a "victim mentality."

The most recent example of "below the line thinking" are the attempt by a certain university to expel one of its professors for acknowledging in a speech that the victims of 9/11, in particular those victims who worked for and ran the corporations who deal in world trade and banking and whose interests shape our foreign policy, were at least partially responsible for their fate. It was a bold and brave statement, but one that, predictably, upset the "victim mentallity" of the U.S. populace who are still licking their wounds after being so viciously blind-sided by the events of that fateful day.

Some of the question that were repeatedly asked after 9/11 were, "How could this happen to us?" and "Why did this happen to us?" and finally "Why do they hate us so much?" I propose that we, as a country, will never really know the answer to that unless we're willing to acknowledge our part in creating the circumstance. Unless, as "The Oz Principle" states, we See It™ and Own It™ (i.e. accountability), well never Solve It™ and do what we need to do to make sure it never happens again. This is why history repeats itself. But we're not doomed to repeat it if we honestly and transparently ask ourselves, "What can we do as a country, as a world community, to rise above our circumstances and get the results we desire?"

Perhaps first we should ask ourselves, what do we really desire for our country? Do we desire perpetual war and a perpetual parade of finger-pointing "victims" and "perpetrators"? Or can we really create something better? That question hasn't been earnestly explored since the 1960's. Perhaps it's time to take another shot at it.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

"The State of The Union" implies unity

I couldn't watch the State of The Union address.

Besides, I'm pretty confident I know what Bush's game is; get whatcha' can while you can. Piss on the constitution and loot the treasury for you and your buddies and do it so well that it will take a generation of American hard labor to recover from it. Then, when some fool Democrat creates a surplus again, the Republicans can steal it again in the form of tax cuts for the rich and out-sourcing corporations that care so much about America's present and future (they only salute one flag and it isn't red, white & blue). We've been through this ecomomic cycle before, people. It took twenty years to recover from the excess and government looting (a.k.a. bank bailouts) of Reaganomics. We many never recover from Bushonomics. At least, not without some kind of revolution.

It's funny that Republicans have managed to label Democrats as too loose with American tax dollars - spending them on useless government social programs that benefit the "undeserving" (that would be your poor, your children and your old people). But Bush is looting the pot to perpetuate a war for the benefit of Haliburton (and subsidiaries), The Carlyle Group and to manipulate the worldwide energy market.

If you think it was cynical for Enron (remember now, CEO Ken Lay was a good buddy to the Bush Regime) to plunder the newly deregulated California energy market in the nineties, just wait until this new world order takes shape.

By the way, how is your energy bill looking lately?