Riffing On The Times: Sunday, Feb 20, 2005

Thought this might be a fun writing exercise for a lazy Sunday morning. The first phrase or sentence in each example below (in quotes) is taken directly from The New York Times "Top Stories" and "International News" headlines. The subtitles, however, are entirely made-up.

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"Audit Faults U.S. for It's Spending on Port Defense" - Despite it's origin, Portuguese wine says it can defend itself in War On Terror.

"Bush Seeks to Begin a Thaw in a Europe Still Cool to Him" - Proposes increase in industrial CFC emissions resulting in Green House Effect that will eventually melt their resolve.

"For Pain Management, Doctors Prescribe Caution" - ...which now comes in an easy-to-swallow capsule for only $12 a dose. Ask your physician if Caution is right for you.

"On Bus, Bicycle and Foot, Suicide Bombers Aim at a Shiite Holy Day" - but complain about the lack of automobiles available to them in Iraq. Insurgent leaders call for increase in private funding to aid martyr's plight.

"On Bus, Bicycle and Foot, Suicide Bombers Aim at a Shiite Holy Day" - but miss repeatedly. Tuesday and Wednesday suffer only minor injuries.

"Israel Gears Up for Burst of Far-Right Anger at Pullout" - Far-Right says Israel should think about baseball to prevent such bursts.

"15,000 Rally in Togo to End Family's Rule" - Crowd of unemployed U.S. engineers and factory workers protest nepotism at local sandwich franchise.

"In secretly taped conversations, glimpses of Future President" - being paddled by Donald Rumsfeld in a Defense Department hazing ritual deep beneath The Pentagon. Future President will henceforth be sent to Yale where he will learn "boozin' and bitchin'" from the Young Republicans.


"Focus on Indiana's Governor, A Tax Cutter Who Has Become a Tax Raiser" - Former Eli-Lilly executive couldn't bring himself to lower costs for ailing state.

"FDA Moves Toward More Openess With Public" - Admits that all Americans will eventually die, despite their best efforts to kill them first.

"FDA Moves Toward More Openess With Public" - Admits bribery and scandal not effective treatment for most health problems.

Please feel free to include your own examples by posting in the "comments" section.