Riffing On The Times: Saturday, April 3rd 2005

The headlines (underlined) are taken directly from The New York Times, but the subheads are entirely made-up.


TOP STORIES

Pope Succumbs to Illness Suffered at Length and in Public - Last message to the world reportedly, "Don't think this won't happen to you."

All-Embracing Man of Action for a New Era of Papacy - Unknown selectee already being referred to by pundits as "The Popenator".

Challenge Is Posed in Selecting a Successor - Worldwide distribution rights for "Catholic Idol" competition spurs network bidding war in Vatican City.


INTERNATIONAL


Help Wanted: China Finds Itself With a Labor Shortage - Traditional "human resource management" resulting in uncontrollable labor mortality. Price of widgets projected to rise in United States. Wal Mart employees volunteer for permanent relocation.

At Least 20 U.S. Troops Wounded in Attack on Iraqi Prison - Casualties averted by threats of sexual humiliation and life-sized posters of Madonna and Paris Hilton.

Poland Mourns the Loss of the Savior of Its National Soul - Polish gag-factory closes doors; double-sided erasing pencils and "Polock" jokes become anachronism in politcally sensitive times, despite efforts of Young Republicans.

NATIONAL


In Boston, Mourning Is Tinged by Criticism - Gay Catholics say they wouldn't be caught dead in Pope's robe.

A Fierce Debate on Atom Bombs From Cold War - Military officials warn Bush regime, "Use 'em or lose 'em."

Drug Makers Race to Cash In on Fight Against Fat - Fighting life-threatening diseases described by drug makers as, "So, like, yesterday."