Riffing On The Times: Saturday, March 27th 2005

As always, the healines are taken directly from The New York Times online edition, but the subheads are entirely made-up.




Top Stories

U.S. Is Examining Plan to Bolster Detainee Rights - Nameless and faceless detainees granted right to have assigned numbers as long as those numbers are "odd" and do not represent any patriotic or Christian significance such as "911", the date of the WTC attack, or "33", the age at which Jesus was crucified. .

Even as Doctors Say Enough, Families Fight to Prolong Life - Right-Wing Conservatives offer themselves as proof that absence of higher brain function does not negate quality of life, but offer "no comment" when asked why "limited government interference" seems to pertain only to matters of private wealth.

For Recruiters, a Hard Toll From a Hard Sell - Officers complain that late-night abductions of fresh recruits from impoverished areas of North America is taking a toll on their family lives. "Out-sourcing" recruits from non-english speaking countries offered as cheaper and easier alternative.

INTERNATIONAL

Boats, Cows, Tasty Lamb: Iraq Battles Smuggling - As U.S. continues its efforts to "stabalize" the region, natives sell-off national assets to survive.

New Details on F.B.I. Aid for Saudis After 9/11 - Turns out Michael Moore was right about our government aiding the flight of rich Saudis after 9/11, but he's still considered a "fat, liberal slob who doesn't know what he's talking about" by conservative talking-heads on the Bush payroll.

Grass-Roots Effort Aims to Upend Mugabe in Zimbabwe - Grassroots L.L.C., a private security firm in Langley Virginia, denies responsibility for African agit-prop.

National

Texas Official Admits Missteps That Helped Railroads in Suits - Says missteps are a necessary manuever for big companies learning the "Texas Two-Step" to circumvent U.S. judicial process.


Movement in the Pews Tries to Jolt Ohio - Christians band together by holding hands and shuffling feet on church carpets to zap local politicians into "Right Thinking". Spokesman says, "God told us to 'create friction' in the U.S. political process."

Tribe Buries 3 on a Long Road to Healing - Chief blames 'white man's fire-stick' on latest school tragedy.