Riffing on The Times: Saturday, March 5th 2005

As always, the headlines (underlined) below are taken directly from The New York Times online edition. Everything after that, however, is entirely made up.
Enjoy.- Sudrakarma


TOP STORIES

Italian Hostage, Released in Iraq, Is Shot by G.I.'s - Despite advanced training in recognizing a "terrorist", American soldiers still confused by dark hair and funny accents.

Pro and Con Line Up as Bush Presses Social Security Effort - "Pro"-fessional investment bankers "Con"-vinced Bush's plan better for their.....er...America's future.

Violent New Front in Drug War Opens on the Canadian Border - Crazed cabals of criminal Canucks carrying cannabis, cocaine and cash into California.

INTERNATIONAL

Ukrainian Suspected in Reporter's Murder Is Found Dead - Former president Leonid Kuchma says of Interior Minister's apparent suicide, "Kravchenko definitely killed that reporter - alone and with nobody's help. It was all him! Oh, and he poisoned poor Mr. Yushenko too! That's right, that was him as well. He was craaaazy! But he's dead now, so..."

Syria to Convene Parliament Amid Lebanon Speculation - Leaders say former funkadelic group helps them relax while considering their country's stake in the "Aluminum Boat Capital of The Word."

German Court Awards Jewish Heirs of Nazi-Seized Emporium - Court O.K.'s Potsdamer Platz promotion to award "jewish heirs" to each of the first hundred customers who pay retail.

NATIONAL

Efforts to Hide Sensitive Data Pit 9/11 Concerns Against Safety - Rail cars currently labeled "Liquified Petroleum Gas" will have the word "Not" stenciled above them in an effort to confuse potential terrorists.

...others will be labeled "Mechanic's Milk", "Go Juice" and "Not intended to be used as an incindiary device." Department of Homeland Security estimates the cost of the project to be 'somewhere in the billions'. A department spokesman said 'the scope and magnituded of such a lucrative government contract could only be entrusted to a company of the same scope and magnitude,' namely an as-yet untitled subsidiary of Haliburton. Company officials say they will immediately begin distributing "commercial catastophy cammoflaging kits (CCCK's)" to local governments, which, mysteriously have already been prepared. The kits, or C3K's as the've been dubbed, consist of a can of "application-specific" spray paint and stencil at the cost of $9,073 per kit. (ED - sorry, couldn't help myself!)

F.B.I. Agents Seize Letters From Supremacist's Friend - Agency uncovers evidence of conspiratorial tryst in Robert Novak's steamy love letters to President Bush.

F.D.A. Seizes Millions of Pills From Pharmaceutical Plants - Administration official deny allegations that they plan to re-sell the pills on the internet to recoup crucial funding.