Riffing On The Times: Saturday, March 19th 2005

As always, the headlines are lifted directly from "The NY Times" but the sub-heads are entirely made-up.

TOP STORIES

The Medical Becomes Political for Congress - Majority Leader Frist leads 'horsebacked and hooded' posse on Washington women's clinic to "protect life".

Growth of Wireless Internet Opens New Path for Thieves - Telecommunicatioins revolution frees white-collar criminals from 'stuffy offices and cramped cubicles.'

Wal-Mart to Pay U.S. $11 Million in Lawsuit on Immigrant Workers - Money that would be best spent on a medical trust fund for current employees will instead be used to explore and expand "multiculturalism in the work-force" (i.e. another attempt by Bush to de-criminalize "guest workers").

INTERNATIONAL

Syria's Young Leader Moves to Consolidate His Power - Former dictator's opthamological legacy fits countrymen for another myopic mis-adventure.

Rice Bringing a New Style to State - Secretary unveils department's first spring collection.

C.I.A. Says Approved Methods of Questioning Are All Legal - Disapproved, illegal tactics, however, are on a need-to-know basis.


NATIONAL

A New Test for Imax: The Bible vs. the Volcano Proponents of "The Biggest Movie Screens In The World" turn out to be the biggest cowards when cranky Christians threaten current cash-flow.

Atlanta Police Concede Mistakes in Responding to Shooting - Chief says 'donut run' was probably not the best response to stressful courthouse shooting. Local university offers to study "cops, crisis, and comfort food".


Suspect Admits Killing Fla. Girl, Sheriff Says - Also admits to killing Jimmy Hoffa, Jon Benet Ramsey, The Lindburgh Baby and, "...anything, anything, just please stop hitting me!"

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