Riffing On The Times: Saturday, March 27th 2005

As always, the healines are taken directly from The New York Times online edition, but the subheads are entirely made-up.




Top Stories

U.S. Is Examining Plan to Bolster Detainee Rights - Nameless and faceless detainees granted right to have assigned numbers as long as those numbers are "odd" and do not represent any patriotic or Christian significance such as "911", the date of the WTC attack, or "33", the age at which Jesus was crucified. .

Even as Doctors Say Enough, Families Fight to Prolong Life - Right-Wing Conservatives offer themselves as proof that absence of higher brain function does not negate quality of life, but offer "no comment" when asked why "limited government interference" seems to pertain only to matters of private wealth.

For Recruiters, a Hard Toll From a Hard Sell - Officers complain that late-night abductions of fresh recruits from impoverished areas of North America is taking a toll on their family lives. "Out-sourcing" recruits from non-english speaking countries offered as cheaper and easier alternative.

INTERNATIONAL

Boats, Cows, Tasty Lamb: Iraq Battles Smuggling - As U.S. continues its efforts to "stabalize" the region, natives sell-off national assets to survive.

New Details on F.B.I. Aid for Saudis After 9/11 - Turns out Michael Moore was right about our government aiding the flight of rich Saudis after 9/11, but he's still considered a "fat, liberal slob who doesn't know what he's talking about" by conservative talking-heads on the Bush payroll.

Grass-Roots Effort Aims to Upend Mugabe in Zimbabwe - Grassroots L.L.C., a private security firm in Langley Virginia, denies responsibility for African agit-prop.

National

Texas Official Admits Missteps That Helped Railroads in Suits - Says missteps are a necessary manuever for big companies learning the "Texas Two-Step" to circumvent U.S. judicial process.


Movement in the Pews Tries to Jolt Ohio - Christians band together by holding hands and shuffling feet on church carpets to zap local politicians into "Right Thinking". Spokesman says, "God told us to 'create friction' in the U.S. political process."

Tribe Buries 3 on a Long Road to Healing - Chief blames 'white man's fire-stick' on latest school tragedy.

Riffing On The Times: Saturday, March 19th 2005

As always, the headlines are lifted directly from "The NY Times" but the sub-heads are entirely made-up.

TOP STORIES

The Medical Becomes Political for Congress - Majority Leader Frist leads 'horsebacked and hooded' posse on Washington women's clinic to "protect life".

Growth of Wireless Internet Opens New Path for Thieves - Telecommunicatioins revolution frees white-collar criminals from 'stuffy offices and cramped cubicles.'

Wal-Mart to Pay U.S. $11 Million in Lawsuit on Immigrant Workers - Money that would be best spent on a medical trust fund for current employees will instead be used to explore and expand "multiculturalism in the work-force" (i.e. another attempt by Bush to de-criminalize "guest workers").

INTERNATIONAL

Syria's Young Leader Moves to Consolidate His Power - Former dictator's opthamological legacy fits countrymen for another myopic mis-adventure.

Rice Bringing a New Style to State - Secretary unveils department's first spring collection.

C.I.A. Says Approved Methods of Questioning Are All Legal - Disapproved, illegal tactics, however, are on a need-to-know basis.


NATIONAL

A New Test for Imax: The Bible vs. the Volcano Proponents of "The Biggest Movie Screens In The World" turn out to be the biggest cowards when cranky Christians threaten current cash-flow.

Atlanta Police Concede Mistakes in Responding to Shooting - Chief says 'donut run' was probably not the best response to stressful courthouse shooting. Local university offers to study "cops, crisis, and comfort food".


Suspect Admits Killing Fla. Girl, Sheriff Says - Also admits to killing Jimmy Hoffa, Jon Benet Ramsey, The Lindburgh Baby and, "...anything, anything, just please stop hitting me!"

-30-

The Appearance of Justice: Ebbers' Convicted

Bernard Ebbers, former CEO of World Com, has been convicted on 9 counts of fraud and conspiracy and filing false reports with government regulators in the $11 Billion book-cooking scandal that left stock holders and pensioners holding their di***.....er........empty bags.

According to The New York Times, the success of the government's case mostly hinged on the testimony of former Chief Financial Officer, Scott D. Sullivan, who pleaded guilty to his role in the fraud and could get up to 25 years in prison himself (but I'd guess his actual sentencing will be contingent on Ebbers' conviction). Ebbers' himself could get 5-10 years for each of the nine counts, but he won't be sentenced until June 13th and is out free on bail.

So what do you think? Will the guy show up for his sentencing date, do the honorable thing, or take an extended vacation in an undisclosed location somewhere far, far, away? Don't know why they think a rich white guy isn't a flight risk.

Congress: Let Them Eat Chemotherapy

Just couldn't let it pass without comment of how typically disappointed I am with our so-called leaders and the passage of what I like to call the "CITIBANK BANKRUPTCY BILL". Once again, the representatives and senators who were elected to protect the interests of the people have predictably supported more legislation written by and for the companies who are paying for their re-election campaigns. It isn't bad enough they can offer pre-approved credit to college kids without jobs at interest rates that would make the mafia blush, but now they can stick-it to those who are suffocating beneath a mountain of medical bills as well.

Great job Congress; you couldn't have done a better job screwing the American working class if you wrote the bill yourselves!

Bend Over America - Congress has another present for you!

(groan)

Riffing on The Times: Saturday, March 5th 2005

As always, the headlines (underlined) below are taken directly from The New York Times online edition. Everything after that, however, is entirely made up.
Enjoy.- Sudrakarma


TOP STORIES

Italian Hostage, Released in Iraq, Is Shot by G.I.'s - Despite advanced training in recognizing a "terrorist", American soldiers still confused by dark hair and funny accents.

Pro and Con Line Up as Bush Presses Social Security Effort - "Pro"-fessional investment bankers "Con"-vinced Bush's plan better for their.....er...America's future.

Violent New Front in Drug War Opens on the Canadian Border - Crazed cabals of criminal Canucks carrying cannabis, cocaine and cash into California.

INTERNATIONAL

Ukrainian Suspected in Reporter's Murder Is Found Dead - Former president Leonid Kuchma says of Interior Minister's apparent suicide, "Kravchenko definitely killed that reporter - alone and with nobody's help. It was all him! Oh, and he poisoned poor Mr. Yushenko too! That's right, that was him as well. He was craaaazy! But he's dead now, so..."

Syria to Convene Parliament Amid Lebanon Speculation - Leaders say former funkadelic group helps them relax while considering their country's stake in the "Aluminum Boat Capital of The Word."

German Court Awards Jewish Heirs of Nazi-Seized Emporium - Court O.K.'s Potsdamer Platz promotion to award "jewish heirs" to each of the first hundred customers who pay retail.

NATIONAL

Efforts to Hide Sensitive Data Pit 9/11 Concerns Against Safety - Rail cars currently labeled "Liquified Petroleum Gas" will have the word "Not" stenciled above them in an effort to confuse potential terrorists.

...others will be labeled "Mechanic's Milk", "Go Juice" and "Not intended to be used as an incindiary device." Department of Homeland Security estimates the cost of the project to be 'somewhere in the billions'. A department spokesman said 'the scope and magnituded of such a lucrative government contract could only be entrusted to a company of the same scope and magnitude,' namely an as-yet untitled subsidiary of Haliburton. Company officials say they will immediately begin distributing "commercial catastophy cammoflaging kits (CCCK's)" to local governments, which, mysteriously have already been prepared. The kits, or C3K's as the've been dubbed, consist of a can of "application-specific" spray paint and stencil at the cost of $9,073 per kit. (ED - sorry, couldn't help myself!)

F.B.I. Agents Seize Letters From Supremacist's Friend - Agency uncovers evidence of conspiratorial tryst in Robert Novak's steamy love letters to President Bush.

F.D.A. Seizes Millions of Pills From Pharmaceutical Plants - Administration official deny allegations that they plan to re-sell the pills on the internet to recoup crucial funding.

Marth Stewart Can Go To Hell

Irreplaceable minutes of my day were stolen by the national media who seem intent to celebrate the return of Martha Stewart from prison today. Even NPR deemed it necessary to highlight favorable opinions of this shameless liar by quoting nothing but apologists in their story. Is Martha Stewart a personality we should be celebrating right now? CNN is treating her return as the greatest comeback since Nelson fucking Mandela. Martha Stewart lied to save her own ass! And now she'll profit handsomely from it with books, television specials and K-Mart merchandise. THIS is what we're celebrating? This is the "come-back" story we're teaching out kids to value? It's ok to lie, cheat and steal as long as you can turn it to your own advantage? That's pop-culture family values for you. God we love our winners, dont' we? No matter what they'll do to stay there. Where is our shame?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Rome is burning.

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